Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership

As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.